


stained glass eyes

by perthtalay



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 03:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19432819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perthtalay/pseuds/perthtalay
Summary: over the time chan fell in love with strict routine of being a trainee, eternally lit city lights at night that he watched from a window at the studio, the feeling of his eyes hurting after a sleepless night spent on practising and the overwhelming pain of watching all his friends debut before him.he also fell in love with a boy he met on an old bridge in suburbs.the boy's name was lee minho.





	1. Chapter 1

Hurtful words were still ringing in young boy’s head. He cried his eyes out, begged and made promises just to escape his fate. It never helped. His parents left him in Seoul and went back to Sydney. He was so alone, just a eleven-year-old in a big city, lost in a different culture.

Over the time JYPE dorms became his home, so much better than his own in Australia. He fell in love with strict routine of being a trainee, eternally lit city lights at night that he watched from a window at the studio, the feeling of his eyes hurting after a sleepless night spent on practising and the overwhelming pain of watching all his friends debut before he did.

He also fell in love with a boy he met on an old bridge in suburbs.

The boy’s name was Lee Minho.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the night Chan realized how pathetic his life was. With a bottle of cheap wine in one hand he found himself in tranquil suburbs, escaping from a place he called home for almost ten years now. He was shivering, but it didn't bother him that much since the alcohol warmed him from the inside.

Chan somehow ended on a long closed bridge. He sat on the one edge that didn’t have railing, careful not to fall or drop his bottle, still half full of wine. He leaned back to stare into the dark void above him. The stars were so pretty that night. Or maybe he just haven’t seen them for a long time.

He didn’t know when he finished drinking, but the exact moment he was ready to just dump the bottle into the bushes next to the river, a sudden voice from behind stopped him.

“You’re not gonna jump, are you? I’m not exactly in the mood for saving suicidal alcoholics.”

Chan looked back. There stood this boy around his age with a smirk on his stupidly handsome face and lightly brown hair fluttering in the wind.

“I may reconsider it”, Chan laughed as boy sat by his side. “What you’re doing here?”, he asked, staring at his sudden companion.

“I could ask you the same.”

“Yeah, but I was first.”

He didn’t answer, just stared into the water in front of them.

That’s how they spent the rest of the night, pretending they didn’t have elsewhere to be. They just sat in silence while sometimes exchanging knowing looks.

The sun was already up and Chan started feeling alcohol stopping circulating in his veins, when the boy suddenly got up. “I’m leaving. It was nice to meet you though.”

“Yeah, you too”, Chan muttered, staring at his hands.

“I’m Lee Minho”, he added. Then only his receding footsteps could be heard.

“Chan!”. He slowly got up, following Minho with his gaze. “My name is Chan!”


	3. Chapter 3

He was there again with cruel voices screaming in his head.

His another friends were to debut again. His father wasn't answering his calls again. He had a pretty bad argument with JYP about his dancing skills. Again.

The only thing he knew right there was not enough circling in his head.

But then suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and all those thoughts went away, leaving only one.

“Lee Minho.”

“Nice to see you again, Chan”. He smirked as he sat at Chan's side. “What you're doing here today?”

“Still haven't made up my mind about jumping from there.” He smiled, but sadness was still lingering in his eyes and his cheeks still were stiff from tears that he never wiped down.

So they were sitting in silence once again. Chan watched from the corner of his eye Minho writing something in a thick notebook, but didn't dare to ask what. He just lost himself in the middle of reddish sunlight illuminating their faces and concentration on Minho's face.

“Minho?”, he started when the sun was almost down. “What are you thinking about?”

There was an uncomfortably long silence and Chan didn't think Minho would answer anymore.

“Nothing special. School, parents. English homework. I'm pretty basic if you ask.”

“I bet you're not.”

Minho just brushed it off with a shrug of his shoulders. “And you?”

“You know, just the meaning of life”, he meant to say it as a joke, but somehow he stayed serious the whole time.

“And what's the conclusion, Plato?”

“That life is meaningless.”

Minho finally looked at Chan, with some kind of pity in his eyes.

“If you ask me”, he spoke after a moment of contemplation, “life doesn't have a meaning by default. The thing is, you need to give it the meaning, find something worth living for, even if it's your dog or the urge to punch someone in the face. It's kinda sad that you don't have anything like that in your life, you know Chan?”

Chan wasn't answering, not sure if his voice wouldn't crack when he tried to say something.

“I want to help you find a meaning in your life.”

And with these words spoken Chan broke down crying. These wasn't violent nor loud sobbing, but rather his heart not knowing how to feel anymore as tears stained his cheeks once again this day. He felt overwhelmed with emotions attacking him – from one side the overflowing sadness, from the other gratefulness and pure joy.

But all of that went away one more time as Minho grabbed his hands and held them firmly until Chan smiled at him.


	4. Chapter 4

“So tell me, Chan”, Minho stated just after a shy greeting. “What was worth living for today?”

It was tough for Chan at the beginning, but as the time went by answering this question every day became his routine. Every time something good happened to him he'd think about how he'd tell Minho about it the very same evening.

So he answered. “The way Jeongin's eyes lit up after I told him we can go to the movies this weekend.”

“Something else, Channie?”

He couldn't help but blush at the soft tone of Minho and the nickname he gave him.

“Yeah. I got praised by JYP himself about my dancing skills. He told me I improved”, he mumbled with a shy smile.

“I'm so proud of you!”, Minho exclaimed as he squeezed him in a big hug. Chan buried his nose in the crook of the younger's neck and smiled to himself about those butterflies he suddenly felt in his stomach.

“Thank you”, he whispered softly as they parted. “Also…”, Chan stopped, not sure if he should say that.

“Yes, baby?”

And with that Chan's stomach made a big flip and his heart skipped a beat. He felt redness crawling up onto his cheeks so he faced away to make sure Minho wouldn't see it.

But of course he did. And as he did he smiled to himself and grabbed Chan's hand, squeezing it tightly.

“Also being here with you… It's definitely something worth living for”, he spoke still not looking at Minho. He didn't know he missed a few tears of joy and pride escaping Minho's eyes, but he quickly wiped them with his palm, not wanting Chan to see.

“Channie…”, he started, but the older interrupted him.

“No need to say anything”, he giggled nervously. “Let's just talk about something else.”


	5. Chapter 5

To say that this wasn't Chan's best day ever would be an understatement. He felt like his heart was falling apart and he couldn't do anything about it.

His tears mixed with raindrops heavily falling from the sky as he sat on the bridge, rocking back and forth while barely catching a breath. He didn't expect Minho to come see him in this weather though his embrace would possibly be the only thing capable of calming Chan down.

He was choking on his own tears and harshly taken breaths and felt like his head was spinning even though he was sitting still.

“Chan?”, he heard a worried call and loudly splashing footsteps afterwards. “Oh god…” Minho lifted Chan's chin up only to see wet face, shaking lips and red eyes behind which there was lingering heartbreak. “Come here”, he whispered as he spread his arms wide enough for Chan to fit in. “Wanna talk about it?”

To Minho’s surprise, Chan nodded lightly. He leaned back a little to be able to look into his eyes stained with tears.

“Would it be okay if we went to my place? I worry that you might get sick in this rain, Channie”, he explained softly and Chan nodded once again.

So they walked slowly, soaking wet, as they held hands tightly.

Minho gave Chan some of his bigger clothes and a towel so he could dry himself. In the meantime he prepared two cups of jasmine tea and a blanket which he laid on the couch. Finally, he also quickly changed his clothes. “Come here”, he spoke when Chan walked out of the bathroom.

Chan hesitantly cuddled up to Minho and laid his head on the younger's chest as he covered them with the blanket. He felt long fingers of one hand drawing circles on his arm while the other was holding one of his.

“Do you need anything?”, Minho asked, wanting to somehow fill the silence.

“Can– can you hug me tighter?”, Chan whispered. He immediately felt Minho’s strong arms squishing him firmer. He let out a small sigh. “It wasn't my best day, to be honest”, Chan started as he felt Minho leaving a small kiss in his hair. “My dad called. He wants me to go back to Australia because I haven't debuted yet. He said–”, Chan hesitated. “He said I'm a disappointment and that I don't deserve everything he's done for me.” He choked a bit on the tears he desperately tried to stop from falling. “And he's right. He's fucking right. I'm just a failure”, he cried. “I’ve never done anything right, all I do is disappoint and complain. Why did I have to be born?”

And with those words Minho's heart broke. “Chan, listen to me”, he exclaimed quietly as he controlled his voice not to crack. “You are not a disappointment. Your father is just a jerk. I'm so proud of you, you're doing amazing. Even if you sometimes can't see this, you're damn perfect, Bang Chan. You are art your father apparently can't understand.”

They were both already crying but they didn't care as they had each other in their arms. It was a mess which somehow they found peace in.

“Thank you, Minho”, he stopped for a while. “Hearing this from you? This was the one thing worth living for today.”

“Do you want to stay with me for the night?”, Minho asked as he felt hot redness crawling up his cheeks. Chan just nodded softly and Minho kissed his hair once again. “Then let's go to the bedroom, okay?”

They made themselves comfortable in Minho’s king sized bed which for once didn't feel too big. He embraced Chan, who was still quietly sobbing, and intervened their fingers. “Remember, I'm not gonna leave you alone. You're not going back to him, you're here with me and it's staying this way. I promise you.”

“You're not gonna leave me?”, he mumbled apprehensively.

“Not ever.”


	6. Chapter 6

This time Minho was earlier. It surprised Chan, he was used to being the first one on the bridge. He sat down silently, watching the younger staring into the water. He was quietly humming something, but Chan couldn't recognise the song.

“How was your day, Minho?”

“Okay, I guess. I finished one of my lectures earlier, that's why I'm already here”, he explained. “I went with Jisung to that little coffee shop across the street from Namsan Park during our break, and the coffee was so damn good”, Minho giggled softly.

They went silent again when Chan laid his head in Minho's lap and the latter tangled his fingers into his hair to stroke it gently.

“Minho?” Chan looked up at the younger who had his eyes closed and faced the setting sun. “Have you ever been in love?”

Minho quickly gazed back at Chan. “I don't think so”, he spoke hesitantly. “Why?”

“I think I'm in love, but I'm not sure as it's the first time I've felt this way. I just wanted to ask someone who may know better than me.” Chan stared into the water slightly ashamed.

“You”, Minho paused. “You're in love?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“They must be lucky then.” He stopped brushing Chan's hair. “Whoever you're in love with.”

Chan moved up from Minho's lap. “I hope you'll think the same way when I tell you who I'm in love with”, he whispered to himself, not expecting Minho to hear. But he heard. And never asked what he meant.


	7. Chapter 7

Chan was sitting alone on the bridge, deep in his thoughts. He was wondering what to tell Minho about when he comes. It was already getting late and he still wasn't there.

He started humming one of the songs he's been working on lately out of boredom as he started regretting not taking his laptop with him. He could've just been working on the song here, on the bridge, instead of staying up all night in the studio again. He needed to finish it till the end of the week, but still wasn't satisfied with his work.

"Sorry for being so late!", Minho yelled from the distance and Chan immediately looked that way. "I needed to go grocery shopping and the queue was awfully long."

"It's okay." Chan nodded. "No worries."

"So, how's your day?", he asked, but Chan knew that what he meant was 'what was worth living for today?'.

"I finally managed to talk Jeongin into switching from vocal to modeling. He's gonna be happier this way, the only thing he's getting from vocal team is hate and mocking." Chan snuggled up to Minho's side. "We also had a day off, so we went to that new convenience store near our dorms, bought a lot of cheap food and sat in the living room while eating it all day. It was really fun, I must admit. There were nine of us because Bambam brought some friends with him. I don't really know them, but they were fine, I guess." He looked at Minho and saw how he was staring at the older endearingly. Chan got a little flustered and quickly faced away with a frown and a blush forming on his face. "What's up with the stare?"

"Nothing", Minho answered, not even slightly bothered by the fact that he got caught. "I just noticed how much you opened to me over the time. Thanks for trusting me. I absolutely love listening to you talking about yourself, baby."

With the last word, Chan's heart stopped beating for a moment. "Thank you", he stuttered, but before he was able to say anything else, Minho cut him off.

"No need to thank me. Now continue with the story."

"Fine...", he hesitated for a moment. "You know, my parents are coming here next week and I'm really fucking scared. I wish I could just hide somewhere for those two weeks, I'm afraid I can't make it. It'll just end up with me crying and them yelling", he blurted out.

Minho took Chan's hand in his and squeezed it tightly, as if he tried to remind him that he's here. "I told you, Channie. I'm not leaving you alone", he stopped for a while. "If you'd be comfortable with that... you could move in with me for the two weeks. I'd drop you off at the company for practice and pick you up right after, so you'd never be alone. You could just ignore them for the time being."

Chan went silent for a really long time and Minho started worrying. Was he too much? Did he scare Chan off?

"You- you'd do that for me?", Chan eventually spoke, letting his voice crack a little bit.

"Why wouldn't I?"


	8. Chapter 8

It was the last night Chan was spending at Minho's. His phone was constantly vibrating because of his parents’ calls, but he never bothered to pick them up. He was busy cuddling with Minho and laughing at his awful jokes. And since a very long time he felt hopeful. Hopeful that his life can become easier.

“Channie?”, Minho's suddenly soft voice slightly startled him. “Are you tired? You look like you're gonna pass out any minute.”

Chan shook his head. “Not really.”

“Good. Because I need to tell you something”, he spoke, as Chan furrowed his brow and raised his head from Minho's chest to look him in the eyes. “I lied to you.”

Chan's heart started beating so fast that he thought it would jump out of his chest. He was terrified, petrified at the thought of Minho deceiving him. “What do you mean?”, he blurted out harshly, tears forming in his eyes.

“Hey, baby, don't cry. It's nothing bad, at least I think so”, Minho whispered, placing his hand on Chan's cheek and rubbing it lightly with his thumb. “Remember when you asked me if I had ever been in love?”, he questioned and watched Chan nod. “That's when I lied. I'm sorry, I got too scared. I was so terrified, I thought you somehow discovered it and were going to hate me, and I couldn't stand that.”

“Wait, Min. Discovered what exactly?”, Chan murmured, lowering his gaze slightly just to look at Minho's parted lips.

“That I am absolutely and utterly in love with you, Christopher Bang.”

Silence fell between them as they both took their stares away from each other, too embarrassed or shocked to say anything.

“You are what?”, Chan finally questioned, not sure if he wasn't hallucinating.

“I'm in love with you. I'm sorry, I hope it doesn't change anything between us”, Minho replied quietly, lowering his head and taking his hand from Chan's face just to entangle it with his other palm. “I know you're in love with someone else. I just wanted to get it off my chest, it's been choking me inside, not being able to express how much I love you.”

“I need you to explain me something, Lee Minho”, the older stated seriously, making the other shiver from the coldness in his words. “How are you, the absolutely best person to ever exist, my guardian angel, purpose of my existence and my biggest muse, in love with me? I'm”, he chuckled ironically, “unlovable. I'm a failure, a monster, I'm depressed and suicidal. I just bother you! More, I bother everyone! Even my parents never loved me, why would you?” Tears started dripping from Chan's eyes. ”All I've ever done for you is make you worried, uncomfortable and bothered. I shouldn't be the one for you to love. You deserve better.”

“Chan”, Minho spoke firmly, cupping the older's face. “Bang Chan. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.” He stopped for a minute just to kiss softly Chan's nose and watch him blush cutely. “I never told you that, baby, but the night I met you? I asked you if you wanted to jump from the bridge. The truth is, I was the one who wanted to jump.”

Chan's eyes widened in sudden fear. “What?”

“You saved me, Channie. You gave me a purpose. Which was making you find a purpose”, Minho stopped for a moment to prevent his tears from falling. He rubbed his eyes with two fists and then let them just fall onto his lap. “And on our way there I found another reason to live. My love for you.”

Chan didn't know what to do. His hands were shifting from grabbing Minho's shirt to trembling terribly. He felt his mouth drying, his heart was beating faster and mind was a mess.

“I really hope you're not mad at me. It's not like I chose those feelings”, Minho mumbled. “Please, don't let it change a thing, I can't lose you.”

“No”, Chan spoke, making Minho look at him with fear in his eyes. “I want it to change, Min. I want you to be my goddamn boyfriend. I want to kiss you, hold hands with you, go on dates, show you off to my friends, be with you when I wake up and when I fall asleep, watch you laugh and cry, be with you through thick and thin.” He quickly grabbed Minho's trembling hands. “I love you so much so just please kindly shut up and finally kiss me.”

And that's what Minho did.

At first he just lightly pecked Chan's lips, not wanting to rush anything. But then he felt the older's hands entangle in his hair as he climbed into his lap, and he couldn't hold himself back anymore. He smashed his lips against Chan's, smirking lightly when he heard a quiet moan. Minho placed his hands on the other's hips, moving him closer to himself as if any space between them could kill him. The room filled with wet clicks, barely present moans and a lot of heavy panting.

They finally parted lips, but still weren't able to move away from each other. Chan pressed their foreheads together, as he slid one of his hands to grab Minho's palm and placed the other in his hair again, brushing it lightly. “I love you so goddamn much, Minho”, he whispered, his voice hoarse and cracking.

“I love you too, Chan.”


End file.
